FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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