Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
