So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I have fence marks all over my body
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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