i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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