somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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