I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
