I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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