Someone shit on the floor
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
