You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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