I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
