It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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