Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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