BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
