1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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