A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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