Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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