I'm really into asian looking animals
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
