Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
