You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
