God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need a beard to bite.
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