take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Did we literally take a cab across the street
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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