Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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