My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
