You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
