John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
