My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
