Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
