drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize