Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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