I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
