Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
