I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
