My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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