if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
