He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
