If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
