hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
