I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
