my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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