Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
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