I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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