two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize