This girl is more easily done than said...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dear god my vagina.
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