So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
