So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
