I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
