new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
