Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We're too hungover to prance.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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