You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
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