Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
