I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
