I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
