Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
