I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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