Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
