she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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