Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
