hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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