your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You smell like stripper and shame
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
