i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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