how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
