Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
