Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
