The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
