Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
