I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
