3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
