The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
